Re: Na PD Sx Fr: https://www.facebook.com/photo/?fbid=10160770320224293&set=a.495528444292
Know a Narcissist? Learning how to self-advocate and set
boundaries is critical for your well-being.
By Kristen Hamling, PhD
"I’ve
been a psychologist for over 20 years, and I have a Ph.D. in the field of
psychology, and yet it took me two years of therapy to understand that I was in
an unhealthy relationship. Constantly trying to rescue a relationship by apologizing
and surrendering your needs to take care
of the other person can leave you exhausted—especially if the person has a
complex personality such as narcissism. The trauma bond, or the narcissistic
abuse cycle that accompanies narcissism, often results in post-traumatic
stress symptoms, anxiety, and depression.
Sometimes
you will have to walk away from the
narcissistic relationship because the short-term pain of ending the
relationship will result in long-term gain for your health and well-being.
What Is Narcissism?
When
someone displays extreme narcissistic characteristics, such as the case with a
narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), then problems can start to arise.
People diagnosed with NPD consider themselves as self-assured, intelligent,
confident individuals, with a strong sense of right and wrong. However, in
reality, someone living with NPD is often a deeply insecure person who has a profound lack of confidence and
self-esteem. This is often a result of childhood trauma, genetics, and an
insecure attachment style.
For
example, someone born with an anxious temperament who has self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable parents grows up fiercely
independent, believing that they have to take care of themselves and prove to
the world that they are worthwhile and special.
NPD is
a serious mental health condition with complex symptoms such as an inability to empathize, diminished self-reflection and insight,
and an excessive need for praise and
admiration. Although there are different types of narcissism (e.g.,
covert/vulnerable or grandiose) the root cause of the problem is often the
same.
Narcissism
does not allow people to fully understand or regulate their emotions.
You might know some people who must
control their environment or avoid
feelings such as shame or rejection.
Narcissists
are less interested in team harmony and success, and more interested in using others to pursue their own agenda.
Many
narcissists will take responsibility for
others’ accomplishments. They set perfectionistic standards and are
often workaholics. They may even use
bullying tactics to achieve their
goals. For example, withholding information to sabotage coworkers’
performance, persistently criticizing, and spreading gossip. The [covert
and vulnerable narcissist] is more likely to act vindictively—make sure you keep records of conversations and limit
information provided to them.
Narcissism
can lead to serious mental health issues such as burnout, compassion
fatigue, depression, and anxiety. A narcissistic boss can erode your self-esteem, make you feel incompetent, and cause
you to lose trust in yourself and others.
If you are not careful, narcissism can also damage your career.
Narcissists
aren’t just confined to the workplace—often, the people we love the most
display tendencies. In the following example, Barry, who is a very attentive
husband, is faced with his wife’s narcissistic
rage when he tries to change plans.
Barry:
“I know we planned dinner tonight, but I have an old friend in town, and I’d
love to go out to dinner with her—can we reschedule for tomorrow night?”
Fiona:
“You always do this; you never make me a priority in your life. You are so
selfish and inconsiderate. You knew I’ve been looking forward to tonight. Why
are you choosing to go out with another woman on our date night?”
Barry:
“But I hardly ever cancel plans. Of course I love you …”
In this
instance, even though Barry would love to see his friend from out of town he
decides to go out with his wife to
placate her. However, over time, this will cause him to lose sight of
himself. The narcissistic loop of manipulation, blame, gaslighting, etc.,
can derail constructive conversations and be mentally exhausting.
There Is Nothing Wrong With You
Truthfully,
having a relationship with a narcissist can make you feel like there is
something seriously wrong with you. But you’re not the monster they make
you out to be. Elinor Greenberg, therapist and author of the book Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid
Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration and Safety, explains that when
narcissists feel good about you (or more accurately that you are making them
feel good about themselves), they see you as special. Then you do
something “wrong” (e.g., say “no” to one of their requests), and suddenly
you’re bad and worthless.
Therefore,
people with NPD only see people (including themselves) in one of two ways: Either they are special, unique,
perfect, and entitled (High Status);
or they are defective, worthless, garbage (Low
Status). Boundaries are
your best friend if you want to stay connected to your truth when in a
relationship with a narcissist.
Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries
Maintaining
boundaries can be particularly challenging when communicating with a
narcissist. Narcissists are masterful at blurring
boundaries. Paul Mason and Randi Kreger, authors of the top-selling book Stop Walking on Eggshells, developed
what they call the broken record
technique to help people maintain boundaries when communicating with
difficult personalities.
The
broken record technique helps you avoid the white noise (gaslighting) produced by the narcissist by staying
focused on the issue at hand. Going back to Barry and Fiona, you can see how
Barry could have used the broken record technique to enforce his boundaries.
Fiona:
“You always do this; you never make me a priority in your life. You’re so
selfish. You knew I’ve been looking forward to tonight. Why are you choosing to
go out with another woman on our date night?”
Barry:
“I know you’re disappointed and I’m hearing that you want to spend time
together. We will have our date night tomorrow night, but right now it’s
important to me that I see my friend.”
Fiona:
“But you’re choosing to go out with another woman on our date night. Are you
having an affair with her?”
Barry:
“It’s concerning that you think that, and we can absolutely discuss these
issues later if you want. But as I said, right now it’s important that I see my
friend.”
Fiona:
“You’re not listening, I don’t want you to go out with her.”
Barry:
“I know you’re disappointed, but as I said, it’s really important to me that I
see my friend and we’ll have our date night tomorrow night.”
No
matter what Fiona throws at Barry, he’s going to repeat the same thing, just
like a broken record. Barry doesn’t get caught up in the white noise and he
remembers “just because they say it
doesn’t mean it’s true.” Fiona is triggered and stressed, and she is
struggling to manage her own emotions. By staying
calm, respectful, and assertive, Barry has a greater chance of getting his
needs met.
Safety and Self-Care
When
your boundaries stop the narcissist
from getting their needs met, it can result in a high level of stress and hurt
for them. Self-care is critical when
dealing with the narcissist because as the saying goes, hurt people hurt
people. If the narcissist is someone in your family or close circle, be
sure to spend time with other people, go to yoga, go to therapy, eat well, and remember, you are not responsible for their
emotions. Sometimes you will have to walk away from the narcissistic
relationship because the short-term pain of ending the relationship will result
in long-term gain for your health and well-being.
Julie
Hall, author of The Narcissist in Your
Life, argues that the narcissistic mentality of superiority and entitlement
results in scapegoating people who
are different. Scapegoating increases conflict
and tribal thinking and reduces
diversity, collaboration, and cooperation. Narcissism underpins significant
social problems, such as sexism, racism, and queerphobia, and, unsurprisingly,
wreaks havoc with workplace morale and team performance.
Remain objective, don’t approach the
narcissist with high emotions, and choose your battles. For example, know
when to play the game and know when to stand up to the narcissist. You may
benefit from aligning yourself with people you trust and who will support you
if the narcissist tries to undermine you or steal your ideas.
Recognizing
narcissism will not only protect your mental health, but it can help to protect
your career as well.
No
matter how much hurt we cause each other, we should default back to compassion, but with boundaries. Narcissism is actually a front for
deeply vulnerable and insecure people. Boundaries and self-care are
paramount when dealing with narcissism, but anger and retaliatory behaviors
serve no one well in the long run. It is possible to have a healthy
relationship with people who have complex personalities and maintain compassion
for their pain, but awareness and boundaries are advised.
Get away if you can, NOTHING
will ever be enough for them and everyone around them is seen as existing just
to meet their needs and extravagant demands. They are the center of a web in which anyone close
gets sucked in to cater to them. Woe to everyone around them if they aren't the
CENTER of attention.
It
will drain you till there is nothing left and you often loose everything else
in your life, even your own self.
